Hi all. I have briefly tried therapy over and over again, but could never find something that seemed to be a fit for me. So I could never stick with it more than a few sessions. I always had trouble describing what my issue was and I never liked the methods of any given therapist. Either they used CBT, which I find invalidating and victim blaming (I’ve always been taught that my thoughts and feelings are wrong…so this just makes it worse for me) or they used “talk therapy”, which seemed incredibly pointless and gave me zero benefit.
I just started seeing a therapist who seems to use DBT techniques. At first, it seems a little less shitty than CBT because it doesn’t want my emotions to go away or try to rationalize them away. It wants me to accept that I will have strong emotions and I need to figure out how to deal with them.
DBT still feels a bit victim blamey to me though to a degree. I’ve always been frustrated at how powerless I am and how people are allowed to do bad things to others and you just have to deal with it. So in that regard DBT seems more of the same of the frustration I’ve always felt. “It’s your fault that you feel and react this way. You can’t change the fact that people are horrible to you and others. You just have to deal with it and they get to do whatever they want.” Been a lifelong frustration for me.
I have many problems in my life, but more recently I have discovered that one of my main ones seems to be “emotional dysregulation”. I’ve struggled with having strong emotions even in childhood, where I would be chastised by my parents for it. My parents didn’t abuse me, but it was frustrating that I was never heard.
Medication wise, I have been on an SSRI since the springtime, but couldn’t tell if it made any noticeable difference. So my provider is having me taper off the SSRI and try lamotrigine instead (note that I do NOT have bipolar disorder).
Part of the problem is that I have long stretches of being totally fine interspersed with occasional episodes of extreme duress/issues. So normally when I see a provider, I feel totally fine and it’s difficult to adequately express (or even sometimes remember) how significant my issues are. When I really need an appointment because I’m in crisis mode, I can’t get one that soon. This pattern is part of the reason why I’m trying out lamotrigine.
Anyway idk just looking for your experiences. Thanks all. Sorry about the life story lol!
My therapist has done CBT and DBT with me. She told me that because I’m neurodivergent, I might respond better to DBT. The two seem rather different.
Going by your other comments I would assume you and I share a heavily (over-?)developed sense of injustice. It’s a pretty common neurodivergent trait, which I don’t know whether it applies to you but [gestures around at Lemmy]
Surprisingly, I responded better to CBT than to DBT. I couldn’t begin to claim to know why but I felt like it was more direct with regard to what I personally felt I needed to work on. That’s not a broad dismissal of DBT, though. Different things work for different folks.
“You can’t control X” is not the same as “X is your fault”. Earthquakes, for example, aren’t your fault. I notice that people infer blame quite easily in response to statements such as these. I know I had to train myself out of this and in moments of stress, I fall back into it.
“Only you can choose to ignore what they say about you” is not the same as “It’s your fault that you care about what they say about you”. It’s true it’s up to you to learn how to ignore others’ opinions of you, but that doesn’t mean you deserve blame for the patterns in your mind. Maybe you are and maybe you aren’t. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe it only matters what you learn to do from here, which probably depends on finding adequate support. I hope you find it.
Your thoughts and feelings are not wrong by definition. Unhelpful, maybe. An obstacle, perhaps. But not wrong. They can’t be wrong. They just are. They simply exist. The question becomes how to find the tools to make sense of your thoughts and feelings, as well as to let go of the unhelpful and pick up the helpful. That’s what I’d expect from your therapist: to help you do that. I’m sorry that you haven’t had that experience.
“You just have to deal with it” seems utterly unhelpful to me, but “You’re ultimately the one who needs to find ways to deal with it” seems undeniably true to me. It’s not easy, but nobody else can do it for you. And you’re ultimately responsible for the determination it might take to get there.
Those are my thoughts. I hope you find something helpful in there somewhere. Best wishes. Peace.
“It’s your fault that you feel and react this way. You can’t change the fact that people are horrible to you and others. You just have to deal with it and they get to do whatever they want.”
This, unfortunately, is mostly true. You can’t help feeling the way you do as a reaction. You are responsible for the actions those emotions might compel though.
You use the phrase victim blaming a lot. What does not victim blaming look like to you?
When you try therapy what do you want the therapist to say?
What thoughts and feelings do you have that are considered “wrong”?
Like, if someone treats me poorly, why can’t I defend myself? Why do I have to let them do what they want to me and just sit with it?
Maybe a more extreme example, but there was a period of time where a younger sibling kept trying to record and spy on me naked. One day I fought back and got in trouble. My parents didn’t seem to rectify their behavior. Why wasn’t I allowed to fight back?
Or in now terms, my supervisor had been routinely terrible to me. I filed a formal complaint and she has been better to me, but it made all of my coworkers extremely upset with me and ruined my relationship with them. Why wasn’t I allowed to do that?
DBT seems to be in the mindset of letting your abuser be your abuser. Or in scenarios less extreme, it seems to be in the mindset of being a pushover and not allowing your needs to ever be met.
It tells you that you are always wrong to react (just as people on my life have always chastised me for) because you can’t change them. But you have to somehow not respond to repeated abuse from them.
So idk I guess I just don’t get it.
It sounds to me like you might have trouble communicating what you need and the behavior you expect from others. There probably needs to be some work done on establishing boundaries and what constitutes healthy relationships before working on the DBT stuff. I don’t think you can fully blame the therapists, because you probably have been going to them and saying “I have trouble with emotional regulation” but not giving the greater context of “people keep transgressing my boundaries and it’s driving me more and more crazy”
Because yes, the only thing we have control over is ourselves and the actions we take, but you absolutely do not have to tolerate being treated poorly. It sounds like you need some tools in your tool box for healthy communication, because we teach others how to treat us. Learning how to assert your needs, your space and “rules of engagement” and then sticking to them is a whole other thing than emotional dysregulation.
Your brain generates the thoughts and feelings that trouble you. Where do you want the locus of control to be? Do you want to think this is crystals and horoscopes, outside factors, influencing you and causing you to be miserable? Or do you want the locus of control to be inside you, where you can be empowered to change the thoughts and feelings that trouble you?
It’s hard not to blame the victim when they’re also the perp, you need to focus on the “perp” part and not the “victim” part if you want to succeed here.
I enjoyed both CBT and DBT since it focused on building tools to help make my brain a better place to live. I recommend them both.
I think you are taking a statement like “you can’t control the actions or feelings of others” as “just let them do what they want.” You should be having these conversations with a professional because it seems you are misunderstanding some basic things about CBT and DBT.
My post is a bit long winded lol sorry. I stated in it that my new therapist seems to be going with DBT for me. So yes I’ll obviously be talking to them about it haha but I wanted to know people’s experience with it. It seems like CBT is a bit more common.
No need to apologize! Mental health is a hard subject to approach and figure out on your own. You are doing the right thing asking people (especially professionals) for help!
I did CBT at first and then tried DBT. CBT is definitely more common I think. Sometimes it feels like homework but it is super worth it to at least give each exercise a try.
