Local man and self-proclaimed “alpha male” Simon Williams, 35, was today spotted scrolling through his phone to double-check what Andrew Tate, Jordan Peterson, and whichever shirtless ‘manosphere coach’ just went viral on TikTok would like him to do next.
Despite declaring himself a lone wolf who “bows to no one,” Simon appears to have constructed his entire personality out of recycled advice barked at him by other men online, including how to sit, how to eat steak, and the correct facial expression to wear while pretending to own a Bugatti.
“He keeps saying he’s an independent leader of men,” said a friend, “but then he’ll excuse himself mid-conversation to watch a YouTube short of a cigar-chomping influencer explaining the correct way to dominate a handshake. […]
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He did so not long after he did his alpha male thesis, I think 3 years, but the damage was already done.
Basically: when wolves who don’t know each other are being kept in captivity, one becomes “the alpha” and leads the pack. But in reality, wolves hunt in family packs, whose sizes depend on their prey. Wolves in areas where they hunt moose have bigger families than those hunting deer. This just means that one, two or three litters stay with the family until they find their own. The “alpha” is just the dad.
And lone wolf is nothing to aspire as those without a pack are because they are excluded by the others, be it because they are unstable and dangerous, ill and insane or any other reason. Lone wolves howling at the moon are crying because they are miserable. Much like people that consider themselves lone wolves.
The lone wolf is the one hunting rabbits and rats, eating carrion. The strong one hunts big game with his father, his mother, and his brothers and sisters, and feasts.
Socially, we have way more in common with wolves than with any of the primates.
[Laughs in bonobo]
Sword fight!