Tbf she made zero effort to converse with OOP either
This is the bumble experience lol. The man still has to do the real first message because the woman’s first message is going to be “hey” 99% of the time.
As a man I also sent just hi to everyone. Reasoning behind that was that if there is any interest, they would reply with something. Like a ping. When we’d get to know better I could be more personal. Found a great partner this way, we’ve been together for 5 years now.
I had a formula: “Hi!”, my real first name, a brief mention and open-ended question about something I found interesting on their profile, then closing with something like “Online dating can be a lot. I’d love to hear from you, but only when you’re ready. No pressure. I hope you have a great day.”
So about four sentences. It took me like two minutes. I got about 1 response in 10 instead of over 1:30 that way, at least from women. Success!
I then proceeded to have all of the worst dates I’ve ever been on. One person showed up on shrooms, a woman interrogated me about marriage and children within ten minutes of meeting, another seemed to be fabricating their entire life story on the spot… and more! There were good dates too, but soooo much bad.
hey, shrooms dates can be a way to get to know someone real quick, good or bad
I agree, you just should tell people first! Unsolicited story time:
We had been dating for a few weeks. She was smart, nice, and very fun. I really liked her and had decided to consider getting serious. I thought she had ghosted me for our dinner date, though, so I had left and was feeling sad. She called over an hour later to apologize profusely and beg me to come back, saying she’d explain and buy everything that night as apology.
What she didn’t mention was that she was going to alternate between incoherent rambling and staring, silent and unresponsive, into one corner of the cafe’s ceiling. I had no idea what was going on. I got ahold of her roommate, who said she had eaten a bunch of shrooms and walked to her friend’s house. I left after he arrived and I learned he was her roommate… and her boyfriend. Fun.
I went full no contact. Years later, we worked together briefly in graduate school, where she pretended not to know me despite having already told our lab mates we used to be friends. Super awkward, maybe mental problems.
tyyy
deleted by creator
Perfect match!
Hmm, ty
no, that’s to disinterested HH
TY!
ohh, no that’s way too enthusiatic HH^H
Ty
Now that just looks like a name HH
Hey Grok, this person on the dating website said Hii \n Cool hair what should I send back? I want to sound slightly interested, but almost dismissive, like they need to prove that I’m worth their time, but so far I just said Hey
Grok: have you considered saying thank you?
eww, whole words? I’m not a geriatric
Grok: perhaps you could say ty
god, you’re not help, i already thought if that but i’m afraid it makes me sound too disinterested
Grok: Have you tried photoshopping their head onto a nude photo? I can help you…
god grok, you’re so useless, i’m just going to post tyyy, so it sounds like i’m saying thank yooooouuuu! like I mean it but in the least number of characters so it doesn’t sound like I mean it too much.
–probably
The apps are literally designed to keep you single
While yes, that is the case, I cannot help but feel it’s not the app’s fault this time
The Algorithm used to match people isn’t designed to encourage healthy and normal conversations. It’s designed to encourage people to spend more time on the apps (and, eventually, more money).
While yes, that is the case, I cannot help but feel it’s not the app’s fault this time
yeah we need sth like fediverse dating services tbh
I used to think this. Then I went on some dates, I made connections, etc.
But only once I started paying. The apps are built to maximize profit.
Hinge > Boo > Tinder > Bumble.
This is exactly how it works - I became single after 13 years and so had no previous experience with dating apps, so I decided to go all in and get one month’s subscription to Hinge, Bumble and Grindr. Before the end of the month I was concurrently dating five people (four women and one man) as a bi man in his thirties. Shit was pretty cash.
A lot of people asked me why I was so successful and I told them it’s because I paid for the subscriptions. For what ended up amounting to around $100AUD I got to date a bunch of people, had some great dates and great sex, and one of those five people is now my long term partner with whom I’m living. She was one of the ‘top recommended’ people on Hinge and the algorithm really got it right!
YMMV but paying for the apps actually provides quite a good service.
I think people’s biggest fear with paying for the apps is that they’ll end up in a situation where they are just throwing good money after bad and not getting anything for it. Then you get into the sunk cost fallacy and it’s really difficult to get yourself out of that headspace.
The problem is the apps say that they have recommendations that you only have to pay to unlock but I don’t believe them.
Ok well, I haven’t had that kind of success. But success none the less.
The issue here, beside being a sample of one is that you immediately paid so other factors could be in play.
Most apps are owned by like 2 companies really
Yeah and they all suck as a result.
I keep meaning to have a proper look into it and see if there are any actual dating site / apps that are independent. It’s a massive pain because usually you can’t really tell if an app is going to be any good or if it’s just another clone until after you’ve already signed up. It’s quite the time investment.
Yea most of them suck
I tried Lovetastic and liked the fact that they don’t use pictures and it’s mostly based on text
They don’t seem to have advanced algorithms that are here to fuck you
But hey, I met my SO on a relatively niche but non ethical dating app. It was filed with ads and badly optimized but I figured out the algorithm wouldn’t be all ELO type of shit, and it worked after some time
Worked just fine for me.
Feel free to ask for advice or whatever.
The fundamental issue here is that they call this dating when it’s something else entirely. They should have made a new name for it when it became like sifting through resumes.
like sifting through resumes.
Then we need to call it what it is: This exchange is an HR screen.
Here’s a name for it: Intimate Individual Review Sessions. Prospective team members must engage in touchpoints so that they may energize their velocity for fast paced interview opportunities.
I don’t think anyone calls this dating? It’s the filter to figure out if you want to date
Dating apps
Online dating
But I agree that it’s more of a way to meet people to date, not actual dating
courting phase
As a cishet man who isn’t passionate about hyping himself up and gets burnt out socially easily…
No one on dating apps is worth the effort required to overcome the illusion of comparison. We don’t know you and we’re not going become infatuated over what you can put in a profile. At most our interest will be piqued, but we know we have to compete with HUNDREDS of other dudes and …ehhhhh.
To put it another way if I was at a party and there was a beautiful girl surrounded by 10 to 20 dudes I wouldn’t even bother and instead try to have fun and talk to people I found interesting. But with dating apps pretty much every girl is always surrounded by guys like that trying too hard and the same guys are surrounding as many girls as possible since online they are not limited by the physics of space online.
I was taught to treat others the way I want to be treated, but this causes friction when I want to be harassed and catcalled the way cartoon construction workers harass and catcall women, but women don’t like that at all. 😩
To be fair you probably want to be catcalled by pretty women instead of 50 year old men.
What I am trying to say is have you considered putting on a maid outfit? :3
I honestly don’t care. I’m pansexual. Some 50yo dudes are hot af. 🤷♂️
😏 How you doin?
I’m Schrödinger’s old dude, I might be hot I might not. (Best to never know)
I’ll always be uncertaintly hot as long as you don’t look at my Insta.
We’ll needs links to verify
Plot twist!
yeah that checks out tbh
Hey baby, I like the way you walk down the street with that blank, emotionless stare like you’re deep in boredom.
I do share the same sentiment as women upon being told I should smile more. Maybe if the world wasn’t so fucked up I would. 🤷♂️
Nah, beby, I luv da way you don’t smile. Uwu, you so glam - like you can afford ta Botox ur entire face :E
Now THERE’S a dating website conversation starter. They’ll either run in terror or become an item :)
heeey bby, is that a baseball bat in your trousers or are you happy to - oh shit! - it’s a baseball bat, run! run like the dickens!
When you catcall Ness but your name is Pokey.
Hey! I bet you’re a really cool person!
Am I doing this right?
I can’t catcall somebody with a dog avatar. Geeze, work with me here. Gotta have a cat I can pspsps
Man I feel this but at the same time idk wtf I’d do if it actually happened. Like if some cutie started cataccling me I’d be like ‘wait me? For real? No wait really? Are you sure? Have you had your eyes checked?’
I have actually been catcalled before, but it was in somewhat close proximity. It was in Vegas and it was a group of girls who were walking toward me and one yelled, “Hey! She likes your hair!” (I have anime-esque hair)
I was more confused than anything, then embarrassed, then amused. Us guys get so little attention that I’ve been going out of my way to compliment other guys in a non-flurting way.
Nice! Yeah I make sure to comment on dudes shirts and such. We all need to support each other out there
And there’s the problem. You went straight to it being a cutie. To make it comparable, it should probably be Roseanne.
I feel the reaction would still be the same lmao but valid point.
Too real
this should go into the !microblogmemes@lemmy.world community definitely (btw i fully understand and share your sentiment)
You have to know stuff, you can’t just go there! Saying “hi” is a red flag, bad seed, you will be ghosted.
My partner messaged me first asking if my cat’s name was Dickface.
We were married 8 months later.
Why did you marry a cat ?
Jesus, stop judging people!
*sad jesus noises*
didn’t you read? it says right there in the comment
Let’s be honest. If you could marry a cat you would too.
“Bad seed”?! Loool. Oof, I didn’t know someone could slap my genetics.
She clearly doesn’t know how to talk to men either.
If all you text is “hey” to a woman as a first message, you can be sure 99.9% percent of them won’t even respond.
At least he tried and gave her a compliment.
YoU hAvE tO rEaD bEtWeEn tHe LiNeS Or sOmE sHiT - her probably
It’s literally a first contact. These apps are exhausting and texting requires effort from both parties.
Even funnier with the timestamps
9/11 of a conversation
That guy is a keeper! Lock him down and he’ll be loyal for life! He doesn’t even know how to talk to other women!!
Makes family dinners with his own mom really awkward though.
The issue isn’t talking to women. The issue is talking to people you are attracted to.
I’m bi but I’m not attracted everyone. And I can tell you it takes a lot more from me to talk to someone I’m attracted to and I don’t think I could easily just be normal friends with someone I badly want to fuck and just have normal conversations with them.
…she even…she even opened
It is bumble. She has to start.
They changed that. Now no one texts ever.
It is from 2023. I don’t know when they changed what. But the last time I used it, women had to start the conversation but they could set a question to ask automatically, skipping the first message
Bumble was like “what a cool idea, I wonder why no one has done this before” and then they found out why
My experience was, about half just let the match time out, and most of the remaining half opened with something like “hey.”, or that gif of Monica from friends waving at you.
Also, a decent chunk of people had profiles on Tinder as well.
Only used one word sentences though.
You may entice a woman with a piece of cheese. If she accepts you may then ask her to wed you.
Cheddar? I hardly know her!
What kind of cheese are women in my area attracted to?
Kraft singles in your area, I imagine.
Gouda is a safe bet.
Esp. If swiss
Dubliner Irish cheese
Entice? I thought it was fascinate.
Entice, fascinate, obsess, worship, become.
The degree varies between women.
Had a couple of lady friends who went on vacation to Europe - Spain and France, specifically - and had totally different experiences on the dating apps. Men were open and friendly, knew how to hold up a conversation (in non-native languages!), showed politeness, responded quickly, made first contact easy and low-anxiety, looked good, smelled nice, knew how to dance, charmed the panties right off them both, and then kept in contact afterwards. Like, even after they flew back home, these guys were still saying “Hey, what’s up, here’s something cool happening in my neighborhood can’t wait to see you again”.
Just a radically different experience than the American dating scene. One friend straight up swore off American men entirely. She’s booking a flight back to France for a three month go - working remote, learning the language, the whole thing - because of how blown away by the healthier and happier social conditions over there.
Tourist hunters. They know the game. They aren’t the norm.
It’s a two way street. Some people need to go to some completely different place to relax enough, and some other people bet on tourists being relaxed enough.
I even remember that kind of effect from school, during school time I would always get into fights with kids that I was happily hanging around with in the holidays.
Tourist hunters are different. They know France is, for some reason, the first worldwide destination and flock here to steal your wallets. They’ll be on the steps to the Sacré Cœur to tie a bit of string around your wrist while a comparse grabs your wallet, your keys, your underwear and your toupee.
Yeah but that’s not dating that’s a hookup. Completely different ball game. Much easier to maintain a facade for a couple of days when both parties know that there is no potential for relationship.
Actual dating requires you to maintain for the long haul.
Imagine making a radical life change based on a dating app hookup
Once you go France
others don’t stand a chanceWell, obviously. Although if you’re from the US, that’s true for most of Europe.
The apps reflect the underlying culture and social order. They weren’t the only reason. Go spend a week in the south of France after spending half your life in Galveston and you’ll understand.
Imagine making a radical life change based on a week-long vacation
More, spending a month abroad looking for a better place and striking gold.
So you recognize that the situation you described is an exceptional case, and not one to recommend making radical life changes over?
Really depends on your circumstances. There’s nothing radical about changing careers or finding a nicer place to live when you’ve hit a glass ceiling. Humans have been doing that for tens of thousands of years. It’s why we’re not all living in the Fertile Crescent.
Hol up, I thought we were talking about moving to a whole ass new continent for some really good foreign dick, not because of hitting a glass ceiling lmao
It’s exactly as you say, people in France and some other places in southern Europe like italy and spain actually know how to treat women properly. and they don’t even have “feminism” (i.e. forced smiles and if you don’t behave you go to jail) there. What they have is common sense and centuries of experience with how to actually treat women well.
they don’t even have “feminism”
I mean, they do have feminism. The trick to understanding feminism is to recognize how it benefits both genders when the walls of segregation and elitism come down.
Once you’re able to treat each other as peers, rather than income streams or commodities, you develop the kind of common sense they enjoy.
what comes first: the common sense or feminism?
Prepare for a changed experience. europe is hating the USA and US americans more and more every day. I get the ick when i hear americans on the street. Gtfo and kill trump.
This is bad and you should actively attack these feelings. The majority of us despise this guy.
The majority of you didn’t prevent this guy from leading your country, so sorry if we aren’t impressed.
Unfortunately the way the US “democracy” works he didn’t need a majority, and still doesn’t have one.
Lowest approval rating of all time.
This reminds me when Americans used to talk about how there is no innocent Russian, because Putin is in-charge, and they don’t risk their lives to overthrow him.
Well, now you see it’s not so simple, and why genocide against a people, you simply cannot justify.
Any Americans who said this were retarded, please don’t hold up people like that as extensions of the majority.
Your approval ratings dont fix things, you are all complacent until you distinguish yourselves, sorry.
And still fuck those who did distinguish themselves because fuck Americans right? Country before person always.
Nah, distinguish yourself and I’ll give you grace.
I literally only said that because after establishing that my first reaction to noticing an American is ‘fuck them’ but realised that doesn’t hold because there are plenty of good Americans.
You guys are just way too willing to put up with evil nonsense despite being ‘free’ and you having legal guns?
I’d be far more forgiving if every default American didn’t have the most rancid vibes. As they speak I can ease up if what comes out isn’t atrocious.
I’m just describing that Americans are the pariah now I guess… You always treat other countries as fully responsible for their leaders despite you guys having far more claim of individual liberty and armory to brandish, but wishing we would treat you all as powerless?
It’s sad things like this that make me think, it’s too bad church is all fucked up with religion. Because “Entire families, plus any single individuals, get washed and dressed up, then join under the stained-glass windows to sit and stand and sing and go through the motions, while all the eligible sweeties pretend they’re not checking out all the other eligible sweeties, and have a whole hour to think of something to say to them over the coffee and cookies afterwards. Repeat weekly” is pretty much how a lot of people found partners for generations. Especially those whose families couldn’t afford ballrooms and country clubs.
I’d probably be open to the concept of a secular church. Not for dating, but just for platonic socialization and community.
I think there are some Unitarian Universalist churches that are secular
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unitarian_Universalism?useskin=vector#Beliefs_and_practices
In my experience with three different UU congregations, they can be pretty varied.
My former city had one that was Protestant-lite, one that was nearly neopagan, and one that was so insular that I felt unwelcome as a visitor.
I actually found one in my neighborhood! It is called “Unitarian Universalist”, it is for secular and religious, everybody is welcome, you just have to agree to love each other, etc.
i just don’t like how it keeps so many trappings of traditional protestant church services, i mean i know why to attract more people since that is the dominant cultural force but just doesn’t sit right with me to ruminate over the bible and pretend it is some enlightened tome of truth in a supposedly secular context
It must depend on the area of the country; we never hear about the bible. But we have heard from Pagans and Zen Buddhists.
There are of course things like hobby clubs you can join but you have to get lucky with those. There risk that you will just be distracted and end up with an expensive hobby.
so a college?
cries in engineering
There are no women, no natural light, and if you’re lucky, someone other than the prof has showered today.
I am exaggerating, but not by much (:
Do what I did. Take psych for your social sciences. There were like three women for every man. Do not regret.
No. College is: expensive, heavily skews young, has a lot of homework, has tests, and generally represents a significant time commitment.
Realistically, I should probably put more effort into finding a suitable recurring volunteer opportunity. Something that is based on personal values would presumably help with finding like-minded people while also engaging in an activity that is inherently meaningful to me.
i’d like to keep in mind that flirting with women in a work (or education) related environment is considered sexual harassment, which is not so the case outside (like 3rd spaces).
Unitarian Universalist churches exist, but things like parks or community centers where events are held are probably more what you’re looking for.
IME community centers are more like gyms and activity centers. But I suppose they could vary by region and by individual community center.
I’m probably being too generous with what I’m calling community center, I should edit it. As an example, in my head I was picturing a local park which my city has folks come and perform at and such. It’s just a stage in a park but there are events there.
you get coffee and cookies?
I was raised going to UCC churches, it was standard practice at all of them. Many also used King’s Hawaiian Bread for Communion.
And they’re one of the LGBTQ-friendliest denominations, although because they’re non-hierarchical the individual churches vary. You can see if there’s one near you.
Women are literally just people. Talk to them like you talk to other people.
That’s the problem
But are they men? Have you seen gay dudes flirting? It ain’t the same. Sure, they’re people, what else would we all be? But they’re distinctively different from men.
they’re distinctively different from men.
They’re really not. Every person is different from every other person, but a woman is still just a person. And most people aren’t comfortable being treated like they’re different.
Be friendly and most people will also be friendly.
I mean on a base level of course you are right. But seriously? Men and women are very different when it comes to a crap ton of things.
I have many friends who are women, and a wife who is a woman, and none of them are significantly different for me to talk to than men. I don’t know what to tell you.
Sure there are cultural differences. Men are more likely to discuss some topics than women are, and vice versa. And there are stereotypical differences like women being more open with their feelings (though I’ve always been pretty open about my own as a man). We assign plenty of interests to specific genders, but there are always those who cross those lines.
I’ve always found that treating women essentially the same way I treat men has worked just fine.
My wife is a woman too and most of my friends are women too and, unless you’re surrounded by masculine women or are yourself a feminine man, people’s tendencies, things they’ll tolerate and preferences are largely defined down sex lines, with small variations. Not that this matters, but saying “be nice, people are people” is both true and foundational and also completely useless to any straight dude trying to escape loneliness, lol.
Okay great, good stuff… Any tips for talking to other people?
Practice. Conversation is a skill like any other, you won’t be good at it until you work at it.
“Practice; but not like that.”
One dick pic coming up. Works on grindr. Dont worry, I always ask first.
Do they send u one too? Did either of you say, “Ty, but no thanks I don’t like the look of it?”
Sometimes, or an ass pic. Depends on context.
Yeah but I’m not looking to impress most people unlike my crushes
