I ate the onion here.
Yeah this is way WAY too plausible.
I mean anything that comes after the “snorted coke off toilet seats” comment is going to be plausibly real
Don’t forget “shirtless workout video with Kid Rock”
I ate it.
No shame. I had to check the community first.
You know reality is getting really fucked up when satire becomes so close to reality it’s indistinguishable at first glance.
Almost bit into it.
I don’t know… It’s pretty hard for The Onion to make an outrageous headline that isn’t also kind of believable these days. I’m not sure this one is more ridiculous than some of the things he’s actually said.
Actual quotes:
“Covid-19 is targeted to attack Caucasians and Black people. The people who are most immune are Ashkenazi Jews and Chinese. We don’t know whether it was deliberately targeted that or not.”
“A worm … got into my brain and ate a portion of it and then died.”
“I’m going to create these wellness farms where they can go and get off of illegal drugs, off of opiates, but also legal drugs.”
“We plan to establish numerous healing farms where American youth can reconnect with the land, learn the value of hard work to restore their self-worth, and acquire new skills.”
“Autistic children will never pay taxes, they’ll never hold a job, they’ll never play baseball, they’ll never write a poem, they’ll never go out on a date, many of them will never use a toilet unassisted.”
“Kids always had access to guns, and there was no time in American history or human history where kids were going to schools and shooting their classmates,” [until the rise of anti-depressants.]
“I only drink raw milk.”
“We should not be giving Black people the same vaccine schedule that’s given to whites, because their immune system is better than ours.”
“If you look at the kids in Africa who die from Measles or these other infectious disease, they’re all malnourished. In fact, the only people really dying from Measles in the '60s before they introduced the vaccines … they were all kids in the Mississippi Delta, Black kids, severely malnourished, and they were dying of measles.”
“Heavy recreational drug use in gay men and drug addicts was the real cause of immune deficiency among the first generation of AIDS sufferers.” (the pot said to the kettle.)
“I’m not scared of a germ. I used to snort cocaine off of toilet seats.”
“The MMR vaccine contains a lot of aborted fetus debris and DNA particles.”
“Let’s go put the bear in Central Park, and we’ll make it look like he got hit by a bike.” (after he had killed it)
“I see these kids that are just overburdened with mitochondrial challenges, with inflammation, you can tell from their faces, from their body movements.”
“We need to stop trusting the experts.”
“The Republicans are 90% corrupt, and the Democrats are 50% corrupt."
The onion certainly has its job cut out for it.
I’d heard many but not all of those. No way that person should be in charge of our country’s health.
I bought it until I saw the community.
I hate the whole fucking onion on this one.
One of these days bro is gonna drink his own piss just to show is how healthy he is. I know it.
Hobgoblin behavior
[nasal voice over intercom] Has patient number 13 reveived his sedatives yet?
I almost got fooled
So like, this is funny. I understand that.
But also I have to wonder whether the Onion publishing this might lead to some baby actually dying, because people are really that stupid.
Shaking them vigorously also helps get the toxins out.
I know it’s satire because the real RFK Jr. would say that putting babies in hot cars would cure the baby’s autism caused by Tylenol.
Oh, I’m going to add this one to the watch list. The “it was an onion headline but then it became true” watch list.
Its funny how far they have to go to achieve satire and even then my wife was like. Did he actually say that. I mean there is the cocaine thing recently.
Onion has been getting me for almost 20 years now
